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I wonder both in the physical and psychological sense. What would it feel like to punch someone? To experience that sort of contact.
On the other hand, what would if feel like emotionally and psychologically? Would I feel satisfaction at whiping that smug look off his face and out of his eyes? Would I feel proud at finally expressing myself in a way he could understand? Or would I feel ashamed? Would I begin to wonder if the actions he made deserved the consequences I chose? Would I feel degraded at stooping to his level, and resorting to simple violence?
An odd, morbid question, I know, but one I find myself truly considering at points. The way he claims to know me, when he has no idea of even my surface self. I find it so frustrating.
But at the same time, I find myself wishing that I could whipe these hateful, angry thoughts from my soul. I know it is wrong to even wonder, but sometimes I can't help myself.
On top of all that, I've missed two days of school, and my throat feels like someone's been scratching a fork down it. Not fun.
- Location:In bed
- Mood:
sick - Music:None
You probably wont guess right, so I'll tell you. The guy I like has a girlfriend... *beats head on hard surface then stares listlessly off into space*
Kelsey told me that she knew this girl, and none of her relationships last long, but I don't know if that really makes me feel any better .... I still want him to be happy, but ... I'm a bit confoused.
On another note, I think my dad has some issues. 'Bipolar' being one possibility. How do I know this, you might ask. I don't. It's just a hunch, based on the fact that he yelled at me so much on the way to Church (yes, on the WAY TO Church) this Sunday, that I started crying in the middle of one of the songs. It didn't help that the intro lyrics to this song were exactly how I was feeling ... and still feeling (I am a hopeless mess, full of confousion, doubt, and emptieness) ...
On a lighter note, I started watching Veronica Mars, and liked it so much that I stayed up until 5:00 am Sunday morning watching it ...
- Location:In my room, on my mom's laptop
- Mood:
depressed - Music:"Jesus Freak" - DC Talk (Amazing song!)
Now that I have you all sufficiently interested, I'll tell you why:
So, I had an orthodontist appointment to get a new retainer today after school. Since I had to wait a good half-hour, I decided to wander around. After about a minute, I ran into John (who was waiting for his swim meet), and we started talking and doing laps of the auditorium. THEN we ran into the guy I like, and he and John started talking. And guess what I did! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I couldn't say anything! All I could do was smile at him ...
Boy, do I feel like an idiot. And, as I said before, I just want to slap myself upside the head sometimes. I hate being shy. I absolutely cannot stand it. Sometimes I wish I was more like this girl who rides my bus, who is very open and very talkative. Random, I must admit, but confident. I so wish I could be like that at least sometimes. Mostly the times when it counts for something.
To add to the crappy feeling I have from that little incedent, I feel incredibly crappy (I blame my brother, who stayed home sick today, and Julia, who should have stayed home), and my mom just made me take my dog for a walk in practically zero degree weather. All in all, it has not been a very good day (other than the fact that I was near the guy I like for about five minutes, durring which I could feel myself turning pink).
Anyway, I know this might seem silly and rudementary to some of you, but you don't have to read it, so....
- Location:On my way down stairs, whishing I could take a shower ...
- Mood: sick
- Music:"Whispers in the Dark" - Skillet (I was listening to it on my walk)
I know this is totally random, but it has a purpose .... for me ...
- Location:Somewhere close to dreamland
- Mood:
time for bed - Music:none right now...
Again, I gotta say, I feel like a stalker. I've figured out which ways I can walk around the school to my classes so that I see him more often. It isn't like I'm going out of my way, on the contrary, this way is the most convienient way, but still. I still feel like a stalker. And I actually think I'd love happiest_prime's idea: having one day where you drop a hint to the person you like. Or I'd like someone to tell him for me....
Ah, well.
I'm almost done with Moonlight. Which means I have to find another TV show with Josef ...
Hmm. Well, I think I had something else, but happiest_prime will have to remind me ...
- Location:In some weird, warped reality where I get to be the coolest
- Mood:
Still about a guy ...
So, I saw the guy I like today, and because all the swimmers dyed their hair over the weekend, he has a bright blond mohawk ... *dreamy sigh*.
Then in art class, I decided two things.
One being that I no longer know if I want to see they guy I like at the comming home dance. I really don't know what I'd think if he had a girl friend, and I saw them together... and I don't see why he wouldn't have a girl friend, so ....
Two being that I almost sorta want him to find out I like him. It might make it easier, but then, of course, it might make it so so so much harder.
I take it back. I figured out that I was UNdecided about two things. I know that this might sound silly or rediculous, but none of you have to read this, and I better not hear about it in school.
- Location:On my computer...
- Mood: about a guy, mostly
- Music:"Whispers in the Dark" - Skillet (LOVE IT!!!)
Ah, well. With the encouragement of a few friends, I'm back!!!!
Anyhow ...
Most of my friends know how I get obsessive over things very quickly ... I keep telling them not to introduce me to bands, books, and TV shows ... but for some reason, they don't listen. My good friend happiest_prime has gone and told me about a TV show. So guess what? That's right! I'M OBSESSED!
The TV show is called Moonlight, and I'm thuroughly depressed that it was canceled after one season. My favroite character happens to be Josef. Who is AMAZING!!!! I love him!!!!
*sigh*
What else to tell? My life is so boring.
OH! Seeing as I have four AP tests this year (that is going to be a massive nightmare), my dad has excused me from track this year. Instead, I have taken up Yoga with my mom.
I have decided I hate my dreams. They're mocking me, I swear! I keep dreaming about this guy I like, and it's pissing me off. Especially because even if I had a chance to talk to him, I wouldn't be able to. I get so nervous around guys I like.
I have decided that my life is rather sad ... sad, pathetic, and boring.
Oh well.
- Location:Watching Moonlight -and yes, his name is spelled with an 'F'
- Mood:
*I LOVE JOSEF* - Music:... none... watching Moonlight
Anyway, I had a totally AMAZING time with my friend, and I learned how to play group solitair, which I now totally love, and I had lots of coffee and way too much fun painting my nails (three on each hand were reflective purple with sparkly gold tips, and the other two were bright pink with neon purple tips, and there were also a few decals...)
So all in all, it was a resounding success (in my opinion), and much better than some silly football game.
Now, on the other hand, I have a soccer game tommorrow, which I won't even go into now, because you all know what I think about that....
And now, I'm gonna sleep, cuz I happen to be exausted. Oh, as an added side note, I did it again. I had yet ANOTHER wacko dream, which gives my like .... five, I think, in a row.....
- Location:Going to bed...
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:The Dry Leaf Project - Squeaky Clean Slate
Wow. I gotta say, this was the worst game of all three so far. Seven people were missing, AGAIN, and then four people got hurt, and one was put in goal. I sprained my ancle as well as worsening my pulled muscle. Plus, it was raining, and really cold sitting on the sideline. On top of that, the other team was horrible, tripping, shoving, and swearing, and they won. So, to generalize it, it sucked. Bad.
Moving on, I was the only one to go to church today, with my parents waking up late, but I had a good time. It was very moving. And I can't wait until my church all-nighter, so all is good.
Hmm, other than that, and the feeling that I had far too much time on my hands, not much happened this weekend.......
- Location:A happy pre-dream land
- Mood: Time to go to bed
- Music:Rebirthing - Skillet
Well, I'm done with bio, finally (just thought I should throw that out there).
But the main thing that I wanted to put up her was that wow, if I thought Anberlin was good, then Skillet is freakin amazing!!! I think I have a new favroite band. Thank you baddest_wolf!!
- Location:In front of my computer (where else would I be?)
- Mood:
enthralled - Music:Skillet - Whispers in the Dark
Apparently we now have all 18 spots for the team filled. But 7 people didn't show up to the game. To say the least, I was pissed. Plus, in the 11 people that had to play for the whole game AGAIN, we didn't have a goalie. On top of all that, I played terrible because I didn't stretch before sunday's game, and had an incredibly stiff, painfull hamstring on my left leg. All of this led to a very unhappy, still very sore Rachel.
On brighter topics, I got my ap gov. presentation over with, and I guess it wasn't that bad, so all is not horrible...Hmm, I wonder if anyone else will be able to see these colors.....
Just to let you all know, I have another soccer game tonight, and I'm already sore, so be ready for another rant.
Wow. Short. Lets see if we can make this one NOT look like a watermellon...
Hmm. Very fall .... I like it!
- Location:Heading up staris...
- Mood: The penguine doesn't look sore
- Music:Relient K - Hope For Every Fallen Man
Wow, it's been a while. Lets see what is new with me.....
I got my pins out, and I decided that I could indeed be a doctor when I'm older, because, supprisingly, I had no problem with the gushing blood while I watched. I think the reason I didn't have a problem because I couldn't feel it, it was like I was watching someone else's hand sliced open, and bled out. And I got to keep my pins as an added bonous.
Ugg, I'm already loaded with school stuff, with three impromptue essays, a research paper, tons of review, a political/gov thing where I have to do some research on a topic then get up and defend it, and (sort of) an AP Bio lab, as well as a Spanish final to study for (I took the course online over the summer). Again, ugg.
A good friend of mine gave me some new music which I am very pleased with (Relient K, Kutless, and Switchfoot), and I've been 'breaking in'. I'm VERY excited for the Twilight movie comming out in November, as well as a few other movies comming out soon (can't remember which ones, but still looking foreward to them). And I have an amazing idea for a story that I'm writing in my spare time (my problem with writing is that I write too slow, and I get to far ahead mentally, so I don't want to write anymore).
My parents took me and my brother to some Red Wings party for season ticket holders, using TRW season tickets (someone gave them to my mom), and it was ok .... I had a soccer game Sunday that was terrible! We had 10 people (11 is the max allowed on the feild per team, so we had -1 substitutes), while the other team had 17, so we lost 6 or 7 to one, and several people got on my nerves, including one girl who just stopped moving about 20 minutes in, and another who gave up and played goalie, and spent the whole first half not moving, letting goals in, and yelling at people to run harder!!! I wanted to smack her.... But enough of my ranting......
Well, I think that's about it.... I thought I would have more to say.... Oh well.
- Location:(Can't think of a name for the place my story takes place..)
- Mood:
Ehh, whatever.... - Music:Relient K - Who I am Hates Who I've Been (love this song)
Yeah, it's very sad that I get that way ... just ask Julia ....
- Location:Going to watch TV...
- Mood: Just woke up...
- Music:To tired to listen to any...
I must say, I do like the radio very much. It helps me listen to different music. One of my stations of choice is 89X. I like most of their music, but I have to say, they have really overplayed 'Afterlife' by Avenged Sevenfold. I that's the only A7x song that they've played in months....
But they did get me into some good music, like Three Days Grace.
Oh well. Just felt like making an observation.
- Location:In front of my computer
- Mood: productive
- Music:Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
I do, however, have a choice ahead of me: in three weeks, I get the pins out, and there are two ways to go about doing this. One: I'm half asleep, and I can't feel or remember a thing, or Two: I'm in his office, I get a local anasthetic (which apparently hurts a bit), and I get to see it all, spurty blood and everything!!!!
Any suggestions?
- Location:PUPPY LAND!!!!!
- Mood:
To see, or not to see... - Music:Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
Well, it's been a while since I've been on here, so this is just a quick update (+finger still broken, so it's very tedious to type.
Lets see, umm, I finished BD, and it was amazing, as was Doctor Who, I had a great time in Chicago with two of my good friends, and while I was there, they got me into Psych and Eureka..... I finally saw Jumper ("Hot british guy what?" for those of you in my physics class), and the main charecter reminded me of a friend of mine on the track team (anyone wanna guess?), and last, but in the most horrible way, not least, my damn computer crashed, and I lost everything from Itunes, to pictures, to my Bio homework. I'm currently in the process of reloading all my music, but the damn thing stilldoesn't work quite right.....
- Location:A swirling mass of rewined hardrive...
- Mood:
F***ING COMPUTER! - Music:every single one of my CDs
I just say the new Batman movie at the IMax theatre, and all I can say is ohmygod, Heath Ledger was AMAZING!!!!!!
aaaaaa!!!!! He was so fantastic, I just want to watch it again and again and again!!!!!! I'm going to buy the movie as soon as it comes out on DVD!!!!
I gotta say, my favroite part was the whole hospital scene. Absolutely fantastic. And after when the Joker was trying to blow the place up!
HE WAS AMAZING!!!!!God, I wish Heath Ledger hadn't died. He could have been in the next batman (assuming they make one), like the Scarecrow was in this one. Oh well, at least there is this one...... *sigh*
- Location:Gotham city
- Mood:
*want to watch Batman so bad!* - Music:none - my air conditioning
That is really all I have to say. But I must add that I almost started screaming. No, wait, I did start screaming, and my mom told me to shut it.
Also, I have to add some other stuff : 1) for all of you who watch Torchwood, I will kill someone if Ianto dies, 2) I will kill someone if they replace David tennant, 3) I happen to think that Donna is gonna look into the heart of teh Tardis and save the world (educated guess made off the preview for the finale), 4) glad to have finally seen the Medusa Cascade and the Shadow Proclamation, 5) I hate the Daleks for always comming back when the Doctor is alone forever, 6) and who was that creepy guy controling the Daleks?
GAH!!! So many questions, so long to wait for answers!!!! Ah, well. I'd say more, but it's hard to type with only one hand....
"After all that we've been through, after all that we've lost, I only have one thing to say : BYE!" l
- Location:Gallifrey
- Mood:
DOCTOR WHO!!!!!! - Music:the Doctor Who theme song - DUH!!!
