Paradise's Lost Garden

Sweet, Sweet Anger

2009-04-01T01:25:42Z

It's odd. Sometimes I find myself wondering what it would feel like to punch my brother. One scott-free punch, right in the face.

I wonder both in the physical and psychological sense. What would it feel like to punch someone? To experience that sort of contact.

On the other hand, what would if feel like emotionally and psychologically? Would I feel satisfaction at whiping that smug look off his face and out of his eyes? Would I feel proud at finally expressing myself in a way he could understand? Or would I feel ashamed? Would I begin to wonder if the actions he made deserved the consequences I chose? Would I feel degraded at stooping to his level, and resorting to simple violence?

An odd, morbid question, I know, but one I find myself truly considering at points. The way he claims to know me, when he has no idea of even my surface self. I find it so frustrating.

But at the same time, I find myself wishing that I could whipe these hateful, angry thoughts from my soul. I know it is wrong to even wonder, but sometimes I can't help myself.

Sick

2009-02-20T16:59:00Z

Wow. Boy, when you get something like pneumonia, you get paranoid. Or, I do, at least. Now I have this horrible cough like there's something stuck in my lungs and I can't get it out, and I'm starting to run a slight fever....
On top of all that, I've missed two days of school, and my throat feels like someone's been scratching a fork down it. Not fun.

sigh (Bad day)

2009-02-09T20:45:05Z

SO. Guess what I learned today!!
You probably wont guess right, so I'll tell you. The guy I like has a girlfriend... *beats head on hard surface then stares listlessly off into space*
Kelsey told me that she knew this girl, and none of her relationships last long, but I don't know if that really makes me feel any better .... I still want him to be happy, but ... I'm a bit confoused.

On another note, I think my dad has some issues. 'Bipolar' being one possibility. How do I know this, you might ask. I don't. It's just a hunch, based on the fact that he yelled at me so much on the way to Church (yes, on the WAY TO Church) this Sunday, that I started crying in the middle of one of the songs. It didn't help that the intro lyrics to this song were exactly how I was feeling ... and still feeling (I am a hopeless mess, full of confousion, doubt, and emptieness) ...

On a lighter note, I started watching Veronica Mars, and liked it so much that I stayed up until 5:00 am Sunday morning watching it ...

After School

2009-02-05T22:05:23Z

ARG! SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO SLAP MYSELF UPSIDE THE HEAD!

Now that I have you all sufficiently interested, I'll tell you why:

So, I had an orthodontist appointment to get a new retainer today after school. Since I had to wait a good half-hour, I decided to wander around. After about a minute, I ran into John (who was waiting for his swim meet), and we started talking and doing laps of the auditorium. THEN we ran into the guy I like, and he and John started talking. And guess what I did! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I couldn't say anything! All I could do was smile at him ...
Boy, do I feel like an idiot. And, as I said before, I just want to slap myself upside the head sometimes. I hate being shy. I absolutely cannot stand it. Sometimes I wish I was more like this girl who rides my bus, who is very open and very talkative. Random, I must admit, but confident. I so wish I could be like that at least sometimes. Mostly the times when it counts for something.

To add to the crappy feeling I have from that little incedent, I feel incredibly crappy (I blame my brother, who stayed home sick today, and Julia, who should have stayed home), and my mom just made me take my dog for a walk in practically zero degree weather. All in all, it has not been a very good day (other than the fact that I was near the guy I like for about five minutes, durring which I could feel myself turning pink).

Anyway, I know this might seem silly and rudementary to some of you, but you don't have to read it, so....

Totally random ...

2009-02-05T02:05:03Z

Has anyone seen Veronica Mars? If so, what is it about, and is it good?

I know this is totally random, but it has a purpose .... for me ...

Boy do I feel lame...

2009-02-04T20:35:23Z

Again, I gotta say, I feel like a stalker. I've figured out which ways I can walk around the school to my classes so that I see him more often. It isn't like I'm going out of my way, on the contrary, this way is the most convienient way, but still. I still feel like a stalker. And I actually think I'd love happiest_prime's idea: having one day where you drop a hint to the person you like. Or I'd like someone to tell him for me....
Ah, well.

I'm almost done with Moonlight. Which means I have to find another TV show with Josef ...

Hmm. Well, I think I had something else, but happiest_prime will have to remind me ...

Today...

2009-02-03T20:35:26Z

So, I saw the guy I like today, and because all the swimmers dyed their hair over the weekend, he has a bright blond mohawk ... *dreamy sigh*.
Then in art class, I decided two things.
One being that I no longer know if I want to see they guy I like at the comming home dance. I really don't know what I'd think if he had a girl friend, and I saw them together... and I don't see why he wouldn't have a girl friend, so ....
Two being that I almost sorta want him to find out I like him. It might make it easier, but then, of course, it might make it so so so much harder.
I take it back. I figured out that I was UNdecided about two things. I know that this might sound silly or rediculous, but none of you have to read this, and I better not hear about it in school.

Long time no see

2009-02-02T20:39:10Z

Wow. Goodness, it's been a while.
Ah, well. With the encouragement of a few friends, I'm back!!!!
Anyhow ...
Most of my friends know how I get obsessive over things very quickly ... I keep telling them not to introduce me to bands, books, and TV shows ... but for some reason, they don't listen. My good friend happiest_prime has gone and told me about a TV show. So guess what? That's right! I'M OBSESSED!
The TV show is called Moonlight, and I'm thuroughly depressed that it was canceled after one season. My favroite character happens to be Josef. Who is AMAZING!!!! I love him!!!!

*sigh*
What else to tell? My life is so boring.
OH! Seeing as I have four AP tests this year (that is going to be a massive nightmare), my dad has excused me from track this year. Instead, I have taken up Yoga with my mom.

I have decided I hate my dreams. They're mocking me, I swear! I keep dreaming about this guy I like, and it's pissing me off. Especially because even if I had a chance to talk to him, I wouldn't be able to. I get so nervous around guys I like.

I have decided that my life is rather sad ... sad, pathetic, and boring.

Oh well.

CRUSHED

2008-09-21T01:30:46Z

Well, as you all know, I was totally pumped about Crushed... yesterday... and this morning.... but now it's over, and I'm sad. Plus the guy I liked wasn't there. But there was another cute guy, who was the lead singer of a really cool band.....
Anyway, I had a totally AMAZING time with my friend, and I learned how to play group solitair, which I now totally love, and I had lots of coffee and way too much fun painting my nails (three on each hand were reflective purple with sparkly gold tips, and the other two were bright pink with neon purple tips, and there were also a few decals...)
So all in all, it was a resounding success (in my opinion), and much better than some silly football game.

Now, on the other hand, I have a soccer game tommorrow, which I won't even go into now, because you all know what I think about that....

And now, I'm gonna sleep, cuz I happen to be exausted. Oh, as an added side note, I did it again. I had yet ANOTHER wacko dream, which gives my like .... five, I think, in a row.....

Soccer ... Again

2008-09-15T00:35:25Z

Wow. I gotta say, this was the worst game of all three so far. Seven people were missing, AGAIN, and then four people got hurt, and one was put in goal. I sprained my ancle as well as worsening my pulled muscle. Plus, it was raining, and really cold sitting on the sideline. On top of that, the other team was horrible, tripping, shoving, and swearing, and they won. So, to generalize it, it sucked. Bad.

Moving on, I was the only one to go to church today, with my parents waking up late, but I had a good time. It was very moving. And I can't wait until my church all-nighter, so all is good.

Hmm, other than that, and the feeling that I had far too much time on my hands, not much happened this weekend.......

Wow

2008-09-12T02:21:34Z

Well, I'm done with bio, finally (just thought I should throw that out there).

But the main thing that I wanted to put up her was that wow, if I thought Anberlin was good, then Skillet is freakin amazing!!! I think I have a new favroite band. Thank you baddest_wolf!!

Soccer Game

2008-09-10T19:19:16Z

Well, as promised, here is my rant about my soccer game on tuesday.

Apparently we now have all 18 spots for the team filled. But 7 people didn't show up to the game. To say the least, I was pissed. Plus, in the 11 people that had to play for the whole game AGAIN, we didn't have a goalie. On top of all that, I played terrible because I didn't stretch before sunday's game, and had an incredibly stiff, painfull hamstring on my left leg. All of this led to a very unhappy, still very sore Rachel.

On brighter topics, I got my ap gov. presentation over with, and I guess it wasn't that bad, so all is not horrible...Hmm, I wonder if anyone else will be able to see these colors.....

Forwarning

2008-09-09T19:43:15Z

Just to let you all know, I have another soccer game tonight, and I'm already sore, so be ready for another rant.

Wow. Short. Lets see if we can make this one NOT look like a watermellon...

Hmm. Very fall .... I like it!

Update

2008-09-08T19:28:40Z

Wow, it's been a while. Lets see what is new with me.....

I got my pins out, and I decided that I could indeed be a doctor when I'm older, because, supprisingly, I had no problem with the gushing blood while I watched. I think the reason I didn't have a problem because I couldn't feel it, it was like I was watching someone else's hand sliced open, and bled out. And I got to keep my pins as an added bonous.

Ugg, I'm already loaded with school stuff, with three impromptue essays, a research paper, tons of review, a political/gov thing where I have to do some research on a topic then get up and defend it, and (sort of) an AP Bio lab, as well as a Spanish final to study for (I took the course online over the summer). Again, ugg.

A good friend of mine gave me some new music which I am very pleased with (Relient K, Kutless, and Switchfoot), and I've been 'breaking in'. I'm VERY excited for the Twilight movie comming out in November, as well as a few other movies comming out soon (can't remember which ones, but still looking foreward to them). And I have an amazing idea for a story that I'm writing in my spare time (my problem with writing is that I write too slow, and I get to far ahead mentally, so I don't want to write anymore).

My parents took me and my brother to some Red Wings party for season ticket holders, using TRW season tickets (someone gave them to my mom), and it was ok .... I had a soccer game Sunday that was terrible! We had 10 people (11 is the max allowed on the feild per team, so we had -1 substitutes), while the other team had 17, so we lost 6 or 7 to one, and several people got on my nerves, including one girl who just stopped moving about 20 minutes in, and another who gave up and played goalie, and spent the whole first half not moving, letting goals in, and yelling at people to run harder!!! I wanted to smack her.... But enough of my ranting......

Well, I think that's about it.... I thought I would have more to say.... Oh well.

Eureka

2008-08-20T12:29:12Z

I have to thank my friends for getting me into the show Eureka, because I think that it's an amazing show. And to show you just how patheticaly attached I can get to a show/charecters in a show, I've only been watching this since I was in Chigao (so mabye three ish weeks) and I was already thuroughly depressed when Stark died .... *sniffle*
Yeah, it's very sad that I get that way ... just ask Julia ....

Ah, the radio

2008-08-15T15:52:50Z

I must say, I do like the radio very much. It helps me listen to different music. One of my stations of choice is 89X. I like most of their music, but I have to say, they have really overplayed 'Afterlife' by Avenged Sevenfold. I that's the only A7x song that they've played in months....
But they did get me into some good music, like Three Days Grace.
Oh well. Just felt like making an observation.

More about the finger....

2008-08-14T14:14:25Z

Well, I got the cast off, and now I have a removable splint, so it's much easier to type.... still have to try writing...
I do, however, have a choice ahead of me: in three weeks, I get the pins out, and there are two ways to go about doing this. One: I'm half asleep, and I can't feel or remember a thing, or Two: I'm in his office, I get a local anasthetic (which apparently hurts a bit), and I get to see it all, spurty blood and everything!!!!
Any suggestions?

Quick update

2008-08-11T15:38:25Z

Well, it's been a while since I've been on here, so this is just a quick update (+finger still broken, so it's very tedious to type.

Lets see, umm, I finished BD, and it was amazing, as was Doctor Who, I had a great time in Chicago with two of my good friends, and while I was there, they got me into Psych and Eureka..... I finally saw Jumper ("Hot british guy what?" for those of you in my physics class), and the main charecter reminded me of a friend of mine on the track team (anyone wanna guess?), and last, but in the most horrible way, not least, my damn computer crashed, and I lost everything from Itunes, to pictures, to my Bio homework. I'm currently in the process of reloading all my music, but the damn thing stilldoesn't work quite right.....

Batman - The Dark Knight

2008-07-29T19:30:19Z

Ohman.
I just say the new Batman movie at the IMax theatre, and all I can say is ohmygod, Heath Ledger was AMAZING!!!!!!

aaaaaa!!!!! He was so fantastic, I just want to watch it again and again and again!!!!!! I'm going to buy the movie as soon as it comes out on DVD!!!!
I gotta say, my favroite part was the whole hospital scene. Absolutely fantastic. And after when the Joker was trying to blow the place up!
HE WAS AMAZING!!!!!
God, I wish Heath Ledger hadn't died. He could have been in the next batman (assuming they make one), like the Scarecrow was in this one. Oh well, at least there is this one...... *sigh*

Doctor Who pre-finale

2008-07-26T03:33:42Z

omfg.
That is really all I have to say. But I must add that I almost started screaming. No, wait, I did start screaming, and my mom told me to shut it.

Also, I have to add some other stuff : 1) for all of you who watch Torchwood, I will kill someone if Ianto dies, 2) I will kill someone if they replace David tennant, 3) I happen to think that Donna is gonna look into the heart of teh Tardis and save the world (educated guess made off the preview for the finale), 4) glad to have finally seen the Medusa Cascade and the Shadow Proclamation, 5) I hate the Daleks for always comming back when the Doctor is alone forever, 6) and who was that creepy guy controling the Daleks?
GAH!!! So many questions, so long to wait for answers!!!! Ah, well. I'd say more, but it's hard to type with only one hand....

"After all that we've been through, after all that we've lost, I only have one thing to say : BYE!" l

Firefly ....... over

2008-07-24T14:12:52Z

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Please someone tell me that there is more firefly I can watch!!!!! A movie, deleted scenes, ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I just finished watching the season!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I can just watch it over again....
Well, in other matters, I have a doctors comfamation that my finger is broken .... split diagonally all the way through, to be prsice, so I can't go to camp anymore. It's a bit dissapointing, but now I can watch the season finale of Doctor Who, so I am totally psyched ......
Anyway, it's a pain to type with only one hand, so that'll have to be all.

X-files

2008-07-24T12:39:55Z

I just wanna ask: does anyone else want to see the knew X-files movie? Cuz my mom won't go with me....

Fingers.....

2008-07-22T13:49:46Z

You know, I don't think people ever realize just how much they use their fingers in everyday life until they lose that use (even temporarily). That may seem totally out of the blue, but I say this because I am reasonably sure that an accedint this morning has left my right pinky broken. I'll have no closure on this till after lunch (my dad is comming home to take me to a doctor), but due to the fact that there is significan swelling, it turned purple, and I can't bend it much without excrutiating pain, I'm reasonably sure that it's busted. Fortunatly, this time it was all my dad's fault (for those of you who know how he reacted when I fractured my ancle last summer), so I won't be in so much trouble. It still sucks, though, especially because in a week, I'm headed off to a camp where I'll prolly need all my fingers.........
Ah, well, at least I can still walk.....
The one thing that always supprises me when you break a bone (actually two things) are 1) how fast it happens, often with no warning, and 2) how clearly you hear that sickening snap! *shiver*

Firefly

2008-07-22T06:02:59Z

Well, while I was at my aunt's house this weekend, I stumbled upon an amazing tv series that is sort of a futuristic western, as weird as that sounds......
Ok, well, I've decided it's amazing, which is why I'm up at 2:00 am...... But I must say, Captain Reynolds and Simon are both amazing, and I love this show already. I'm sure you'll hear more, but I'm tired and disoriented at the moment, so tata for now!!

DOCTOR WHO

2008-07-19T03:13:02Z

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't f***ing believe it!!!!!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!!! THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING ENDING TO AN EPISODE EVER!!!!!!!!!
Ok, not totaly sure if the episode itself was the most amazing ever, because the Doctor was hardly in it, but that was, WITHOUT A DOUBT, the most amazing ending (so far) EVER!!!!!! About the episode itself, it was very good, and I loved the way that it tied in all of the prior catastrophies, and I can't believe they KILLED TORCHWOOD!!!!!! But anyhow, I gotta say, I was flipping out almost the whole time (and consiquently freaking my three-year-old cousin out, and she kept trying to give me hugs), and I almost had a heart attack when Donna said 'Bad Wolf', though I deffinetly thought that that was what Rose said. I almost started crying when Donna died, but I guess she didn't really die, but I wanna know what is so special about her so bad. And also, I hated the way her mom kept calling her a falier! It was terrible (though I could almost put my mom in her place at times.....).
Well, I know that this wasn't NEARLY as long a rant as this episode deserves, but I have been thus kicked off, so good night to all (I'll have more to say tomorrow). TA!!